[11:46AM] I know I should be studying but parts of what I am going write in my personal statement - the big essay question of why you want to apply to a certain program - why do you want to be in any field.
I need tea. I am going to get that after I finish gathering my thoughts together.
I am listening to The Corrs again - music that I used to always listen to before school began and Coldplay. How I love Coldplay.
So much.
It's funny in this year. More reality kicks in. It is ridicious at some point I guess I agree with society. It's absurd that by the age of 17 or even younger you have to know what to do with the rest of your life. I look at everyone - they fall into two mian categories: either they know what they want to do - fixed or they have no idea. And then there's the few that just like it the way it is. Be it whether they've given up to strive to their full potential or they're just satisfied.
I was never told as a child what to be - or had parents who just simply believed I should be something specific. Indirectly though, I felt as if I should follow their path - it was like an unspoken consensus and so I believed that. I remember going into grade nine believing that I was going to do something with computers: graphic designing, marketing or even programming.
I am not sure if I ever liked it but - it was just something I thought I'd do. I remember picturing myself in a cubicle and now that very image seems tramatizing I can no longer see myself bound within walls.
It was really till I started joining clubs and everything else. Believing foolishly that somehow I'd make a difference but all I did was just help distributes bandaids everywhere that gave me a sense of direction.
It was - doing one particular supposedly very well-known personality test in business class that year. They put you among the four categories and they gave you a print out of something you should be. It's sad that I don't know where that is anymore. I remember holding on to it like it was a treasure.
But I always thought and believed that I would come off as "Artisan" the artist, afterall I wrote poetry, tons of unfinished novels that only lasts about 20 typed pages or so, someimes more. I thought that if anything freelance writing would be something on the side.
Till - I did that test. I was shocked it said, "Healer" I was SO sure that I would be an artisan and so many of my classmates landed a lot of the qualities they fit. Whereas I didn't know anymore. And sure you should let one test distinguish who you are. But it said a lot of things that were accurate to detail. Particularly "you always yearn for the fairy tale ending..." and "you grew up with a bad childhood that you constantly try to forget, erase and pretend it didn't happen." It was true.
That's why when I did a psychology experiment a couple of weeks ago and he handed me a piece of paper that said "unfortuntely no one wanted to work with you" mind you, it was part of a deeper test - test of aggression to see if you would punish someone or if you would become angry so it wasn't really true. And of course, there was no group component.
Both of the experiments I went to were really different but they both said the same thing - you consciously reply to something but unconsciously who you are and what you believe also shows - the true inside thought where you're not thinking over everything its something that's black and white and that's what this experiment achieves.
It funny - I felt so rejected. I felt foolish for even feeling so insecure. In the beginning when they explained the false group task they said it would be by pace/time and your ability to take on the pressure. I was scared - I was actually contemplating whether I should work in a group because I was like "oh, dear I am no good at anything that's time really quickly. I get paniced and I don't have a fast reaction time." I was feeling so much anxiety and then to be rejected. The first thing that came in my head was "its like gym all over again." It's weird.
I thought about that afterwards - why that came to me. It was in my unconscious - it slipped up. Suddenly all those elementary gym nightmares up to when I was in grade six started flooding in me - being bullied, being picked last at times or just anxiously waiting hoping that you're picked not last and although most of the time I wasn't I was picked near last so - the fear of there still stood. Because obviously if you were picked last - it meant that you were picked under obligation. That no one wanted you.
I remember that
feeling. It made me sick. Just all of those emotions starting rushing
back to me and had the experimenter not told us within two minutes
after the experiment was done that it was defaulted everyone
got that message to see if they would react aggressively - I probably
would have cried or had some form of tears streaming down my face. I do
wish those things never happened. She's still out there. Only now its
not she is a lot of people.
But how different are kids now from before? Just because people grouwn up? What - just because they're older now? It doesn't change anything. Just like how university doen't change anything. Not that much anyways. You still get the popular people or the beautiful girls that you envy in your class who all the guys drool after and there's still tons of group distinctions and judgements. Only now because the campus or school is so big - it doesn't affect you. Not that much that much anyways. Or barely because you're just one drop of water in the puddle.
There's so much - isolation, rejection, exclusion. That I stopped caring now. I just started resenting them and started embracing that I am different. I came in terms with the fact that I'll never be considered normal - and perhaps I'll never fully find a place that I fit in for a long period of time. But that's okay. Acceptance doesn't define anything. It just means that you allowed yourself to be defined in a box. Categorized, stereotyped and lost in the crowd.